i'm dancing in your light

Scenes of you come rushing through

You are breaking me down

So break me into pieces

That will grow in the ground

I know that I deserve to die

For the murder in my heart

So be gentle with me Jesus

As you tear me apart

Please kill the liar

Kill the thief in me

You know that I am tired of their cruelty

Breathe into my spirit

Breathe into my veins

Until only love remains

You burn away the ropes that bind

And hold me to the earth

The fire only leaves behind whatever is of worth

I begin to see reality

For the first time in my life

I know that I’m a shadow

But I’m dancing in your light

Teach me to be humble

Call me from the grave

Show me how to walk with you upon the waves

Breathe into my spirit

Breathe into my veins

Until only love remains

Dear Jesus,

I know that I want to make a difference. I know that I've been asking you to help me, but as always your ways are so very different from mine. You tell me that it's inside out. I must let go of all of my insides, sin, pain, hurt, and everything that's holding me back. I know that you want to change me inside. You want to humble me. You want to teach me how to change the world like you did, in a way that no one expected, in a way that is so foriegn to the world. I get that now. Thank you for sparing me Jesus. I love you so much.

In Your precious Name, Amen!

i'm terrified.

"what's the point of all this if you're not gonna let this change you.."

how am i gonna make a difference?

what am i going to do with my life to make God glorified in me?

those questions have been looming in my mind ever since graduation.

i try and then i get scared of rejection so i pull back.

that also seems to be a trend that i'm not too fond of in my life.

how am i gonna make a difference with this fear stuck in my head? how am i ever gonna glorify God if i'm too scared to even try? what's the point of all of this if i'm gonna do nothing about it? why am i so scared?

i'm terrified.

i'm scared that i'm going to make a wrong decision and waste my life away on something when God had something better for me in store. i'm so scared of screwing it up. i'm constantly wondering if i'm doing the right thing with my life. if i'm making the right decisions. there are so many things to do, so many people to help, and so many organizations to get involved with. it hurts my mind thinking about all of the different stuff i could do. this journey is making me very weary. i don't know what to do.

that quote from the movie "to save a life" is haunting me.

this isn't for me. i have to trust God. but that's easier said than done.

and how stupid is that? that i can't even trust the God of the universe! the creator of all freaking things. am i allowed to say that? oh geez, i don't even know. i'm just not willing to settle. God has lit a fire in my heart to do something drastic. i can't back down, you know? i mean, you really can't say no to the ultimate authority over everything. nor do i want to. although sometimes i think i do. idk.

if you read this, do you have any thoughts? any answer to my questions?

what do i do?

i'm a hypocrite

ahhhhhhhh..

so i have a brother.

i guess you can call him that.

i don't know, i always thought that brothers were supposed to be these loving, fun, people in your life that you want to spend time with every now and then. i actually have two brothers. they are kind of more like complete strangers. yeah, that's a better description.

i have no idea how to communicate with them.

and one lives in my house.

they are my half brothers, and we didn't grow up together. i used to feel okay about them when i was little. you know, young and naive... can't wait for my brothers to visit! now i dread it. i dread having to spend "quality time" with them. that's one thing i hate about growing up... ignorance and innocence, they really can be bliss.

you see, i have to take my brother that's living at home to the dentist tomorrow. wouldn't be too bad except for his dentist is in cordele, ga. yeah, a 45 minute drive. actually you add that up and it's 90. what the heck am i going to talk with him about. i'm so nervous.

he used to be a drug addict. and that's an understatement.

now he wants to be a preacher.

i really am proud and excited for his new life he feels called to, it's just that he's still sooooo weird at home! he walks around mumbling all these things and singing random stuff, especially when i have guests over and they just laugh. outside i laugh with them. inside i'm embarrassed and disgusted. no one really knows, what went on with him except those who inhabited in this house. but it was scary stuff. stuff i'm not even allowed to tell some people.

i think i'm scared to get to know him.

like what if i let my guard down, get close with him, and he goes back to all the old stuff. is he worthy of trust? are there really such things as a millionth chance?

i sound like such a hypocrite.. okay, i know.

but this is just hard.

i don't want to take him.

ughhh.

better get some sleep i guess, have to wake up bright and early. maybe he'll sleep in the car

as if it were all about me

i don't know if i want to do this. i don't know if i want to "blog". i don't know if i want to show my emotions to an open wave of people who could probably care less about my life and why i'm living it... kind of scared of reactions, but doubtful that there will be any. wow, i sound so self concious and ridiculous. as if it were all about me. i guess in my head, it gets that way sometimes.

i uhh.. i just need a space to clear my head.

this seems like the safest choice...

a place where i would actually come to type it out.

i keep having these crazy dreams come to my head..

like dropping everything and moving to mexico, africa, ireland, austraila, china..

anywhere and live life as a missionary

out in the rough places where no one

knows me and all i have is God.

- i think about moving to atlanta and getting down to the problem of solving sex trafficing.

- i think about pursuing a musical career, or a speaking career where i reach millions of people thirsting for something real, making it big, and giving it all away to those who need it most.

- i think about marrying the man i love. having nice, settled jobs, helping out at the local church. living the same life as my parents. hard working, but still living a simple life.

i think i think too much.

all of these ideas sound great. all of them appeal to me in many ways. all i want to do is make a difference. why does it have to be this hard? why can't God give me a peek into the life he has planned for me? into all of the hopes and dreams that i can't even begin to muster in my small and shallow mind.

i want to make a difference.

i want to do it for God. really i belive i do.

i just have a problem.

i want to decide how.

and i can't decide.. because it's not my decision to make.

and it drives me up the walls.

"The Lord will fulfill HIS purpose for me;

YOUR love O LORD endures forever -

do not abandon the works of YOUR hand."

psalm 138:8

this is my plea with the Lord - that He would create a good work in me. that he would fulfil HIS purpse for me. that he would show me the way.. that he would guide me to the right decision.

....

i have a boyfriend. a very amazing, amazing boyfriend. i throw these loops at him all the time. i did tonight..

"let's get married in a year!" i say!

trying to find the right way to respond without fumbling

over my very humanly, girlish emotions he responds..

"we have to graduate college.. belive me, i WANT to,

but we have to wait. five years and we can."

stubbornly i press on..

"what if my plans don't unfold in five years. what if they

unfold in two, or three, or one? how can i make sure

you'll still be in them? i need you in them."

knowing that i'm letting my emotions get the best of me..

i push all those thoughts trying to pull me out of my

dream state i'm in and continue...

"but i honestly think God is gonna take me on a crazy ride.

then another part of me thinks they're crazy dreams and

you're in my life to keep me from throwing God's real plans for me away..."

i'm telling you.. it takes a very patient man to deal with my hormones.

i am very, extremely blessed by God.

"i just want to make a difference," i say..

"i just want to do something meaningful.

i want to live all out for God. i just don't know how."

what does he do? he quotes scripture to me!! i mean really..

"kimmy, you can't worry. worrying isn't gonna help.

'tomorrow will worry about itself...'

you just have to trust God.

i don' know what will happen either."

i can't really speak. i say how he is a gift to me from God.. and that i know i am supposed to embrace God's blessings.. but that i am afraid... afraid of falling more in love with him, and he not being apart of the rest of my life..

he continues...

"i don't deserve life, nevermind someone as special as you. i guess that just shows how much God really does love us.. i love you so much and i want to be with you but all we can do is live life together NOW and go on the journey together.. i want to live all out for God too, and i want to do it with you by my side"

i guess i wrote my way into my own answer.

chris was right. but most importantly...

GOD was right

i can't expect for God to suddenly just let me peek into a magic crystal ball and see who i'll marry, where i'll be, what i'll be doing, and what i need to major in to do it.. i need to enjoy the ride for what it is right now. and i need to do it all out for the one true living God.

this is me, trying to figure out how to make a difference.