as if it were all about me

i don't know if i want to do this. i don't know if i want to "blog". i don't know if i want to show my emotions to an open wave of people who could probably care less about my life and why i'm living it... kind of scared of reactions, but doubtful that there will be any. wow, i sound so self concious and ridiculous. as if it were all about me. i guess in my head, it gets that way sometimes.

i uhh.. i just need a space to clear my head.

this seems like the safest choice...

a place where i would actually come to type it out.

i keep having these crazy dreams come to my head..

like dropping everything and moving to mexico, africa, ireland, austraila, china..

anywhere and live life as a missionary

out in the rough places where no one

knows me and all i have is God.

- i think about moving to atlanta and getting down to the problem of solving sex trafficing.

- i think about pursuing a musical career, or a speaking career where i reach millions of people thirsting for something real, making it big, and giving it all away to those who need it most.

- i think about marrying the man i love. having nice, settled jobs, helping out at the local church. living the same life as my parents. hard working, but still living a simple life.

i think i think too much.

all of these ideas sound great. all of them appeal to me in many ways. all i want to do is make a difference. why does it have to be this hard? why can't God give me a peek into the life he has planned for me? into all of the hopes and dreams that i can't even begin to muster in my small and shallow mind.

i want to make a difference.

i want to do it for God. really i belive i do.

i just have a problem.

i want to decide how.

and i can't decide.. because it's not my decision to make.

and it drives me up the walls.

"The Lord will fulfill HIS purpose for me;

YOUR love O LORD endures forever -

do not abandon the works of YOUR hand."

psalm 138:8

this is my plea with the Lord - that He would create a good work in me. that he would fulfil HIS purpse for me. that he would show me the way.. that he would guide me to the right decision.

....

i have a boyfriend. a very amazing, amazing boyfriend. i throw these loops at him all the time. i did tonight..

"let's get married in a year!" i say!

trying to find the right way to respond without fumbling

over my very humanly, girlish emotions he responds..

"we have to graduate college.. belive me, i WANT to,

but we have to wait. five years and we can."

stubbornly i press on..

"what if my plans don't unfold in five years. what if they

unfold in two, or three, or one? how can i make sure

you'll still be in them? i need you in them."

knowing that i'm letting my emotions get the best of me..

i push all those thoughts trying to pull me out of my

dream state i'm in and continue...

"but i honestly think God is gonna take me on a crazy ride.

then another part of me thinks they're crazy dreams and

you're in my life to keep me from throwing God's real plans for me away..."

i'm telling you.. it takes a very patient man to deal with my hormones.

i am very, extremely blessed by God.

"i just want to make a difference," i say..

"i just want to do something meaningful.

i want to live all out for God. i just don't know how."

what does he do? he quotes scripture to me!! i mean really..

"kimmy, you can't worry. worrying isn't gonna help.

'tomorrow will worry about itself...'

you just have to trust God.

i don' know what will happen either."

i can't really speak. i say how he is a gift to me from God.. and that i know i am supposed to embrace God's blessings.. but that i am afraid... afraid of falling more in love with him, and he not being apart of the rest of my life..

he continues...

"i don't deserve life, nevermind someone as special as you. i guess that just shows how much God really does love us.. i love you so much and i want to be with you but all we can do is live life together NOW and go on the journey together.. i want to live all out for God too, and i want to do it with you by my side"

i guess i wrote my way into my own answer.

chris was right. but most importantly...

GOD was right

i can't expect for God to suddenly just let me peek into a magic crystal ball and see who i'll marry, where i'll be, what i'll be doing, and what i need to major in to do it.. i need to enjoy the ride for what it is right now. and i need to do it all out for the one true living God.

this is me, trying to figure out how to make a difference.